A rushing force... Heart rate up... fits clenched... and the empty pit of sickness that I feel.  I guess this sums up my anxiety.

What is most frustrating is most of the time, I don't have an answer for it; which pisses me off even more.  There is no reason to be mad, so why am I?

With the new information and knowledge I have about the disorder, I begin to understand that this is 'normal' for a person who has BPD.  Having an answer, still doesn't give me any relief though.

Inside, I want to be happy, positive and smile.  I want to love myself the way others do, and with no answer as to why I can't leaves me with little hope on how to rectify the situation.

Borderlines want so very much to be loved.  I want so very much to be loved.  I have learned maybe I don't know how to love in a proper way, so therefore that begs the question am I deserving of the love that I seek?  The answer for me is no. 

Most days I feel sorry for my boyfriend.  I'm on a constant roller coaster, which means he is along for the ride.  This is a ride, I don't even want to be on.  I feel guilty that he is sitting next to me.

Sometimes, I feel like a great partner.  I provide, I work, I'm there for him emotionally.  And then there's those times where I don't even want to have sex.  What kind of woman am I?  What kind of girlfriend am I?

I thought that with knowledge and information, I could make great strides in my recovery, learn from my behavior and subsequently change it.  But with no reasons behind my rhyme I am finding this task increasingly difficult.

- J -