FML

Uggh.  I'm having a really bad day.  I thought that with all this mindfullness bullshit I've been practicing and opening myself and my mind up to this blog that I was making some kind of progress.  Apparently, not.

I still managed to lose my cool and become the evil fire-spitting dragon, I so desperately loathe.  I hate that part of me.   (On the bright side, I managed to walk away and not call him names.  That's better, right?)

Why can't I just be NORMAL?  Why can't I slow down the conveyor belt of thoughts, organize them, repack them and then manage them?  Why is everything in constant disarray?!

I question EVERY thought that comes to the forefront of my mind now.  It seems like this process is more stressful almost.  I think, rethink, analyze, rethink.  And at the end of the equasion, I am still unsure of the answer. 

I am at a loss.  Well, today, that is.  I have learned that while I might be at a loss today, tomorrow my mood could drastically change and I might be seeing rainbows and unicorns for a week (figuratively speaking).

Are my points and opinions ever valid?  Or all they all based on my over-reacting emotional state of mind?

When I get angry, it seems like everyone is doing something to intentionally piss me off.  I am rational right now and that sounds ridiculous.  Why can I not make that distinction when I am emotional though?  Why can I not say, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"  Do I have no self-control?  Am I really this weak?   Is my mind really this gone?

I have the ability to look back as past conversations or, what seemed to be, stressful situations and see how ridiculous my actions truly were.  For instance, plans changed at the last minute and I had an anxiety attack and needed a few moments to myself.  WTF!  Who does that!  Me, of course.

I want to just roll with the punches, walk lightly with a bounce in my step.

Feels like I'm constantly crawling in the dark.