I've calmed. Re-thought about what I just wrote. That is harsh.
Family is about stress and sacrificing. Its not everyone else's fault that I can't deal.
I love him to no end. If I didn't, I would have left a long time ago. I honestly, in my heart, don't believe I've stayed with him because of a fear of being alone. Most times, especially at my worst, I'd rather be alone than bringing down someone else's company.
I'm almost glad that I put that all out on virtual paper and didn't say those things outloud. The freedom that I feel from essentially vomiting the hatred within myself isn't worth hurting someone else, especially he who I love.
I feel like a ticking time-bomb. Ready to explode sometimes at the first sign of insecurity and noncompliance.
Maybe this is where my OCD comes into play. If I look at it from a rational stand-point, my house remains spotless because I have such a keen inability to control my own thoughts and even behavior. Controlling the cleanliness of the house is almost a way to feed rid of the toxic thoughts that free-flow and consume my mind in such a chaotic and never-ending way. I suppose my controlling behavior is extended with attempting to control every aspect of my partner, because I have such a lack of control over myself.
This, I have accepted and noted. I have made concious efforts to let go of that control. But have I really?
I mean, he can go out now and hang out with friends, but now he asks if I mind. Thats like asking permission. It shouldn't be that way. He's coddling to me. He should be allowed to say he's going out for a while with his friends. But now instead of fighting with him when he walks out the door, I have to know where he's going and he has to promise me what time he'll be home. I need to relinquish this leash. I don't know how, without feeling like I'm going to fall apart. And I don't know how to not fall apart, because I really don't know why I do.
Is this just a temporary fix to a permanent problem?
I, myself, am tired of the push-pull. I really and truly am. In the moment, when I feel intense and on the edge I don't care. I just do it. But now, in my relaxed rational mind, I realize how exhausting this is for me and everyone else around me.
I don't talk to my mother, father, sisters or brother anymore. And I can't help but think was this a result of the push-pull? While with each one of them I still stand strong in my reasons being completely justified and founded, I can't help but think if I'm being a little too over the top with disowning virtually everyone.
I make no sense. Family means the world to me. My kids mean the world to me. I have a family, but want nothing to do with them. My sisters all talk to one another and my father. My brother speaks to my mother. I can't help but think, maybe its ME with the issues.
I'm sure though, as of right now, my pride will not allow me to reveal that to them. Seems easier to just let things be. Seems almost easier not to feel as though I am a burden on anyone and just hide in my hole that I've created for myself.
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