Do I have BPD?

I read this article today and was disturbed by what I read.  It was an article that describes how a relationship evolves between a person with BPD and one without.  The article seemed to portray the individual with BPD to be cold and calculating with the intention of being misrepresented and manipulating.  Is this really me?

As I read on, I realized that 'yes' these actions are actions that I have done.  Maybe this is the way that I think.  Am I really this cold and calculating.

For me, BPD and the recovery that I am searching for, constantly make me question every thought and motive.  "Is this me?  Or is this BPD thinking?"  Sometimes, honestly, I just don't know.  And then not knowing leads to more frustration and self-loathing.  Its such a vicious circle that constantly goes round and round.

Maybe I should stop reading on BPD?  But if I stop reading, that means that I am not active in my recovery search?

Recovery, pfft.  Yeah right.  I'm almost half way through my life.  Recovery seems like a dream, but I know, this will never be cured, for me.  So therefore, am I doomed to always hate myself.

When looking for more information regarding BPD, I came across the criterion.  While I fit all the criteria to a "tee", there was one word that I thought didn't fit me and have been obsessing over lately.  NARCISSISM.   I never thought of myself to be selfish or obsessed with myself.  The reality is, most days I hate myself.  I had to evaluate this further though. 

nar·cis·sism

   /ˈnɑrsəˌsɪzɛm/ Show Spelled[nahr-suh-siz-em] Show IPA

–noun

1.

inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

2.

Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

 

With regards to myself, I try to do for others.  But in trying to do for others, I gain a sense of self-worth through that.  It makes me feel good about myself.  So therefore, the self-centeredness, could that revolve around just that?

 

In reading about BPD, Borderline's personalities are immature.  When doing something positive, and being applauded for the same, there is a sense of self-love that is immediately felt.  I guess that is reminiscent of a child receiving a gold star for good behavior.

 

I try to be so damn responsible all the time.  I try to think things through and do the right thing.  Yet no matter what, because of this disorder I will always be dubbed to have immature and childlike emotions.

 

Ugh, woe is me, I guess.

 

- Will write later.

 

-J-