I've calmed. Re-thought about what I just wrote. That is harsh.
Family is about stress and sacrificing. Its not everyone else's fault that I can't deal.
I love him to no end. If I didn't, I would have left a long time ago. I honestly, in my heart, don't believe I've stayed with him because of a fear of being alone. Most times, especially at my worst, I'd rather be alone than bringing down someone else's company.
I'm almost glad that I put that all out on virtual paper and didn't say those things outloud. The freedom that I feel from essentially vomiting the hatred within myself isn't worth hurting someone else, especially he who I love.
I feel like a ticking time-bomb. Ready to explode sometimes at the first sign of insecurity and noncompliance.
Maybe this is where my OCD comes into play. If I look at it from a rational stand-point, my house remains spotless because I have such a keen inability to control my own thoughts and even behavior. Controlling the cleanliness of the house is almost a way to feed rid of the toxic thoughts that free-flow and consume my mind in such a chaotic and never-ending way. I suppose my controlling behavior is extended with attempting to control every aspect of my partner, because I have such a lack of control over myself.
This, I have accepted and noted. I have made concious efforts to let go of that control. But have I really?
I mean, he can go out now and hang out with friends, but now he asks if I mind. Thats like asking permission. It shouldn't be that way. He's coddling to me. He should be allowed to say he's going out for a while with his friends. But now instead of fighting with him when he walks out the door, I have to know where he's going and he has to promise me what time he'll be home. I need to relinquish this leash. I don't know how, without feeling like I'm going to fall apart. And I don't know how to not fall apart, because I really don't know why I do.
Is this just a temporary fix to a permanent problem?
I, myself, am tired of the push-pull. I really and truly am. In the moment, when I feel intense and on the edge I don't care. I just do it. But now, in my relaxed rational mind, I realize how exhausting this is for me and everyone else around me.
I don't talk to my mother, father, sisters or brother anymore. And I can't help but think was this a result of the push-pull? While with each one of them I still stand strong in my reasons being completely justified and founded, I can't help but think if I'm being a little too over the top with disowning virtually everyone.
I make no sense. Family means the world to me. My kids mean the world to me. I have a family, but want nothing to do with them. My sisters all talk to one another and my father. My brother speaks to my mother. I can't help but think, maybe its ME with the issues.
I'm sure though, as of right now, my pride will not allow me to reveal that to them. Seems easier to just let things be. Seems almost easier not to feel as though I am a burden on anyone and just hide in my hole that I've created for myself.
Friday, December 10, 2010
In the moment: Venting
I don't want to go to spend the night at your mother's house. I can't sleep there, its a small ass house, the kids can't play, and I don't want to hear yours scream all night.
I need drugs. Vicodin, please. Percs if you got them.
I don't want to clean up food and juice off the carpet all weekend. You tell me that you're going to 'take care of it'.. but you say that every single fucking time... and you don't.
I don't want to drive, everywhereeeeeeeee!
Its not fair that we make attempts to go see yours, but I haven't seen mine in almost two months. Its not fair. Mine were always with me... always. So, yes. THE LOSS is ten times worse for me. YES, its HARDER for me. And you never seem to prioritize THAT in your life.
FUCK. I can't fucking stand you right now. This is your fault. All of it. You've made my life this difficult. If I would have never met you, I'd still have my career, not stressing over money; I'd still have everything that I loved under one roof and wouldn't have to deal with the extra BULLSHIT you put me through.
I just want to go see MINE.
Its not fair. I'm paying the bills and yet, I suffer while you're out having a good time ALL the time. When is it my turn to SMILE and BE FUCKING MERRY? When is it my FUCKING TURN.
Fuck you.
I need drugs. Vicodin, please. Percs if you got them.
I don't want to clean up food and juice off the carpet all weekend. You tell me that you're going to 'take care of it'.. but you say that every single fucking time... and you don't.
I don't want to drive, everywhereeeeeeeee!
Its not fair that we make attempts to go see yours, but I haven't seen mine in almost two months. Its not fair. Mine were always with me... always. So, yes. THE LOSS is ten times worse for me. YES, its HARDER for me. And you never seem to prioritize THAT in your life.
FUCK. I can't fucking stand you right now. This is your fault. All of it. You've made my life this difficult. If I would have never met you, I'd still have my career, not stressing over money; I'd still have everything that I loved under one roof and wouldn't have to deal with the extra BULLSHIT you put me through.
I just want to go see MINE.
Its not fair. I'm paying the bills and yet, I suffer while you're out having a good time ALL the time. When is it my turn to SMILE and BE FUCKING MERRY? When is it my FUCKING TURN.
Fuck you.
FML
Uggh. I'm having a really bad day. I thought that with all this mindfullness bullshit I've been practicing and opening myself and my mind up to this blog that I was making some kind of progress. Apparently, not.
I still managed to lose my cool and become the evil fire-spitting dragon, I so desperately loathe. I hate that part of me. (On the bright side, I managed to walk away and not call him names. That's better, right?)
Why can't I just be NORMAL? Why can't I slow down the conveyor belt of thoughts, organize them, repack them and then manage them? Why is everything in constant disarray?!
I question EVERY thought that comes to the forefront of my mind now. It seems like this process is more stressful almost. I think, rethink, analyze, rethink. And at the end of the equasion, I am still unsure of the answer.
I am at a loss. Well, today, that is. I have learned that while I might be at a loss today, tomorrow my mood could drastically change and I might be seeing rainbows and unicorns for a week (figuratively speaking).
Are my points and opinions ever valid? Or all they all based on my over-reacting emotional state of mind?
When I get angry, it seems like everyone is doing something to intentionally piss me off. I am rational right now and that sounds ridiculous. Why can I not make that distinction when I am emotional though? Why can I not say, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" Do I have no self-control? Am I really this weak? Is my mind really this gone?
I have the ability to look back as past conversations or, what seemed to be, stressful situations and see how ridiculous my actions truly were. For instance, plans changed at the last minute and I had an anxiety attack and needed a few moments to myself. WTF! Who does that! Me, of course.
I want to just roll with the punches, walk lightly with a bounce in my step.
Feels like I'm constantly crawling in the dark.
I still managed to lose my cool and become the evil fire-spitting dragon, I so desperately loathe. I hate that part of me. (On the bright side, I managed to walk away and not call him names. That's better, right?)
Why can't I just be NORMAL? Why can't I slow down the conveyor belt of thoughts, organize them, repack them and then manage them? Why is everything in constant disarray?!
I question EVERY thought that comes to the forefront of my mind now. It seems like this process is more stressful almost. I think, rethink, analyze, rethink. And at the end of the equasion, I am still unsure of the answer.
I am at a loss. Well, today, that is. I have learned that while I might be at a loss today, tomorrow my mood could drastically change and I might be seeing rainbows and unicorns for a week (figuratively speaking).
Are my points and opinions ever valid? Or all they all based on my over-reacting emotional state of mind?
When I get angry, it seems like everyone is doing something to intentionally piss me off. I am rational right now and that sounds ridiculous. Why can I not make that distinction when I am emotional though? Why can I not say, "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" Do I have no self-control? Am I really this weak? Is my mind really this gone?
I have the ability to look back as past conversations or, what seemed to be, stressful situations and see how ridiculous my actions truly were. For instance, plans changed at the last minute and I had an anxiety attack and needed a few moments to myself. WTF! Who does that! Me, of course.
I want to just roll with the punches, walk lightly with a bounce in my step.
Feels like I'm constantly crawling in the dark.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A rushing force... Heart rate up... fits clenched... and the empty pit of sickness that I feel. I guess this sums up my anxiety.
What is most frustrating is most of the time, I don't have an answer for it; which pisses me off even more. There is no reason to be mad, so why am I?
With the new information and knowledge I have about the disorder, I begin to understand that this is 'normal' for a person who has BPD. Having an answer, still doesn't give me any relief though.
Inside, I want to be happy, positive and smile. I want to love myself the way others do, and with no answer as to why I can't leaves me with little hope on how to rectify the situation.
Borderlines want so very much to be loved. I want so very much to be loved. I have learned maybe I don't know how to love in a proper way, so therefore that begs the question am I deserving of the love that I seek? The answer for me is no.
Most days I feel sorry for my boyfriend. I'm on a constant roller coaster, which means he is along for the ride. This is a ride, I don't even want to be on. I feel guilty that he is sitting next to me.
Sometimes, I feel like a great partner. I provide, I work, I'm there for him emotionally. And then there's those times where I don't even want to have sex. What kind of woman am I? What kind of girlfriend am I?
I thought that with knowledge and information, I could make great strides in my recovery, learn from my behavior and subsequently change it. But with no reasons behind my rhyme I am finding this task increasingly difficult.
- J -
What is most frustrating is most of the time, I don't have an answer for it; which pisses me off even more. There is no reason to be mad, so why am I?
With the new information and knowledge I have about the disorder, I begin to understand that this is 'normal' for a person who has BPD. Having an answer, still doesn't give me any relief though.
Inside, I want to be happy, positive and smile. I want to love myself the way others do, and with no answer as to why I can't leaves me with little hope on how to rectify the situation.
Borderlines want so very much to be loved. I want so very much to be loved. I have learned maybe I don't know how to love in a proper way, so therefore that begs the question am I deserving of the love that I seek? The answer for me is no.
Most days I feel sorry for my boyfriend. I'm on a constant roller coaster, which means he is along for the ride. This is a ride, I don't even want to be on. I feel guilty that he is sitting next to me.
Sometimes, I feel like a great partner. I provide, I work, I'm there for him emotionally. And then there's those times where I don't even want to have sex. What kind of woman am I? What kind of girlfriend am I?
I thought that with knowledge and information, I could make great strides in my recovery, learn from my behavior and subsequently change it. But with no reasons behind my rhyme I am finding this task increasingly difficult.
- J -
Do I have BPD?
I read this article today and was disturbed by what I read. It was an article that describes how a relationship evolves between a person with BPD and one without. The article seemed to portray the individual with BPD to be cold and calculating with the intention of being misrepresented and manipulating. Is this really me?
As I read on, I realized that 'yes' these actions are actions that I have done. Maybe this is the way that I think. Am I really this cold and calculating.
For me, BPD and the recovery that I am searching for, constantly make me question every thought and motive. "Is this me? Or is this BPD thinking?" Sometimes, honestly, I just don't know. And then not knowing leads to more frustration and self-loathing. Its such a vicious circle that constantly goes round and round.
Maybe I should stop reading on BPD? But if I stop reading, that means that I am not active in my recovery search?
Recovery, pfft. Yeah right. I'm almost half way through my life. Recovery seems like a dream, but I know, this will never be cured, for me. So therefore, am I doomed to always hate myself.
When looking for more information regarding BPD, I came across the criterion. While I fit all the criteria to a "tee", there was one word that I thought didn't fit me and have been obsessing over lately. NARCISSISM. I never thought of myself to be selfish or obsessed with myself. The reality is, most days I hate myself. I had to evaluate this further though.
As I read on, I realized that 'yes' these actions are actions that I have done. Maybe this is the way that I think. Am I really this cold and calculating.
For me, BPD and the recovery that I am searching for, constantly make me question every thought and motive. "Is this me? Or is this BPD thinking?" Sometimes, honestly, I just don't know. And then not knowing leads to more frustration and self-loathing. Its such a vicious circle that constantly goes round and round.
Maybe I should stop reading on BPD? But if I stop reading, that means that I am not active in my recovery search?
Recovery, pfft. Yeah right. I'm almost half way through my life. Recovery seems like a dream, but I know, this will never be cured, for me. So therefore, am I doomed to always hate myself.
When looking for more information regarding BPD, I came across the criterion. While I fit all the criteria to a "tee", there was one word that I thought didn't fit me and have been obsessing over lately. NARCISSISM. I never thought of myself to be selfish or obsessed with myself. The reality is, most days I hate myself. I had to evaluate this further though.
səˌsɪz
–noun
1.
inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
With regards to myself, I try to do for others. But in trying to do for others, I gain a sense of self-worth through that. It makes me feel good about myself. So therefore, the self-centeredness, could that revolve around just that?
In reading about BPD, Borderline's personalities are immature. When doing something positive, and being applauded for the same, there is a sense of self-love that is immediately felt. I guess that is reminiscent of a child receiving a gold star for good behavior.
I try to be so damn responsible all the time. I try to think things through and do the right thing. Yet no matter what, because of this disorder I will always be dubbed to have immature and childlike emotions.
Ugh, woe is me, I guess.
- Will write later.
-J-
BPD Plus Me - An Introduction
Borderline Personality Disorder and I have seemingly had a longstanding relationship. A relationship that developed over time since childhood (at least that's how I read it) and has evolved into what seems like the driving force behind every decision I make. The more I read, the more I understand myself, but the more I realize just how shitty I really am or is how shitty I perceive myself?
The purpose of this blog is to speak, without censorship and without judgment. Whilst the reader may place judgment on the post, this blog is done anonymously to insure honesty and realness without fear of said judgment.
The purpose of this blog is to speak, without censorship and without judgment. Whilst the reader may place judgment on the post, this blog is done anonymously to insure honesty and realness without fear of said judgment.
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